UNDERSTAND MY ANGER



I had an  instantaneous, unforeseen, insult to my head.
it's result and effect on my life has me so incredibly mad!
All my many dreams of the future, my hopes and my goals,
all changed and I can't help that it makes me incredibly sad.
 
You think and say that I look basically identical to before.
You act like if I tried hard enough I could still be just the same.
In your unrealistic expectation of trying to accept the new me,
your pressure and demands have made me aware this is no game.

You did the best you could but it has been very hard on both of us. 
You don't seem to understand why it has been such a torturous ordeal.
Yet you must remember it isn't your life that has drastically changed,
believe me when I tell you this heart-wrenching agony is very real.

Don't misunderstand that I am not grateful or immensely thankful,
yes, I am very aware that my disability could be considerably worse.
But just don't ask me to pretend it is easy or ask me to try and 
minimize.
Because today, my life, my losses, my reality, feels very much like 
a curse.
 
Someday I am sure I will have the ability to let go of this 
incredible pain.
But it has to be handled my way, in my time frame, not the demand 
of yours.
Please just try to be patient and loving as I am truly doing the 
best I can.
Some injuries and their aftermath unfortunately don't have 
instantaneous cures.

I think you would more easily understand and also been very greatly 
angry,
if this injury with such devastation had unfortunately, instead 
happened to you.
So please just try hard to have more patience and compassionate 
understanding,
if anything tragic should ever happen to you, I would stand beside 
you too..

My exasperation and fury come from my internal tremendous frustration,
at all the things that were once easy, and now are so difficult for 
me to do.
Please just try showing some real understanding and sincere empathy,
remember  things are not nearly as easy for me to do as they are 
for you.
 
I used to never blow my top, I was considered as  gentle as a lamb.
Now with these brain changes, I just can't really tolerate very much
I hate to loose my temper, it makes it hard to recognize who I am.
Just try to understand me, and possibly give me a reassuring touch.

I don't like to allow myself such feelings of wrath or outrageous anger,
over emotions I no longer seem to be able to keep under control.
My agitation certainly doesn't mean I don't need love or feel 
appreciation,
it just means that I am struggling very hard with this unwanted role...
 
by: Debbie Wilson
    6-27-96

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